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  More praise for Bill Heavey and

  If You Didn’t Bring Jerky, What Did I Just Eat?

  “Sure to bring a smile to even the grumpiest person in the land.”

  —Gene Mueller, The Washington Times

  “To the list of great Field & Stream essayists—Robert Ruark, Gene Hill, Cory Ford, and Ed Zern—add the name Bill Heavey. His writing is funny, moving, acerbic and, best of all, always alert to the absurdities of life. This is a book that will be read and reread for years and probably for generations.”

  —Patrick F. McManus, New York Times best-selling author of The Bear in the Attic and Kerplunk!

  “In the nebulous genre of outdoor writing, a skilled scribe can blend the dramatic with the mundane, humor with heartache, piety with profanity, and somehow make it all make sense. I know of only a handful who do it well. Bill Heavey is one of them.”

  —Gary Garth, Louisville Courier-Journal (Kentucky)

  “The Nugent family American Dream quality-of-life campfire is all about the great outdoors and laughter. Bill Heavey is our guide and outfitter for the best of both worlds. His new book delivers wonderful, clever, balls-to-the-wall hysteria celebrating all things fun and frustrating beyond the pavement. When I die, I want Heavey to gut me, stuff me, and deliver my eulogy for one good last laugh. Unfortunately, I will outlive him, laughing all the way. Bill is my favorite writer. That oughta ruin his already teetering career once and for all.”

  —Ted Nugent

  If You Didn’t Bring Jerky, What Did I Just Eat?

  If You Didn’t Bring Jerky, What Did I Just Eat?*

  Misadventures in Hunting, Fishing, and the Wilds of Suburbia

  Bill Heavey

  Copyright © 2007 by Bill Heavey

  Foreword copyright © 2007 by David E. Petzal

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, or the facilitation thereof, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review. Any members of educational institutions wishing to photocopy part or all of the work for classroom use, or publishers who would like to obtain permission to include the work in an anthology, should send their inquiries to Grove/Atlantic, Inc., 841 Broadway, New York, NY 10003.

  This book is published by arrangement with Field & Stream magazine, in which the book’s pieces originally appeared.

  Published simultaneously in Canada

  Printed in the United States of America

  eBook ISBN-13: 978-1-5558-4856-9

  Grove Press

  an imprint of Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

  841 Broadway

  New York, NY 10003

  Distributed by Publishers Group West

  www.groveatlantic.com

  For William F. Heavey Jr., 1920–2007

  Whose poet spirit lived

  the warrior code:

  cheerful always,

  always bold

  A man knows when he is growing old because he begins to look like his father.

  —Gabriel García Márquez

  Contents

  Foreword by David E. Petzal

  Introduction

  PART I

  STALKING IN SLIPPERS: THE NOVICE YEARS

  The Distance to Trouble

  The Access Consultant

  Smells of the Season

  Death by Multitool

  Don’t Even Ask About My Turkey Season

  GPS

  Gear You Really, Really Need

  The Only Way to Hunt ’Em

  Confessions of a Bass Fisherman

  The Middle Ground

  Lilyfish

  The Bass Boat Blues

  The Late, Late Show

  PART II

  LYING, HALLUCINATING, AND COVETING GEAR YOU DON’T NEED: BECOMING A REAL OUTDOORSMAN

  Too Long at the Funhouse

  Rut Strategies for the Married Hunter

  Death (Nearly) by Bass Fishing

  Stir Crazy

  Code Orange Fishing

  Summer Survival

  I Want My Bass TV

  Party Animal

  The Art of Lying

  Water Torture

  Stalking Walt Disney

  2004: A Huntin’ Odyssey

  The Book of John

  PART III

  THE JUNKET JACKPOT: HUNTING AND FISHING AS “WORK”

  The Lion Dogs

  Fresh Mongolian Prairie Dog Bait

  The Toughest Son of a Gun in the Elk Woods

  The Promised Land

  Ice Crazy

  Caribou Heaven, Caribou Hell

  A Hunter’s Heart

  The Cuban Classic

  PART IV

  HUNTING WITHOUT PANTS: AND OTHER NECESSARY SKILLS

  The Deer Next Door

  Why Men Love Knives

  Pity the Fool

  The Psycho Season

  The Blind-Hog Jackpot

  Out of My League

  En Garde!

  Girl Meets Bluegill

  Aging Ungracefully

  What Strange Creatures

  One Moment, Please …

  Undressed to Kill

  Path to Enlightenment

  PART V

  MAKING INCOMPETENCE PAY: THE WELL-SEASONED SPORTSMAN

  The Fat Man

  A Missed Connection

  Poor Richard

  Why Knot?

  The Enforcer

  Death and Fishing

  Invent This

  The Bonehead

  Dog Years

  Hunting Hurts

  Morons Among Us

  Take That, Deer

  Mr. November

  PART VI

  IT TAKES A FREEBIE: FRESHLY RECYCLED BONUS SECTION FOR THE PAPERBACK EDITION

  Stalk Therapy

  Like Father

  Acknowledgments

  Foreword

  Field & Stream magazine has been around for more than a hundred years, and in all that time, there have been only three men who were talented enough to write humor for it on a regular basis.

  Ed Zern was a genius who dealt in a kind of wry, detached zaniness that people found irresistible. His “Exit Laughing” column, which ran on the magazine’s back page from 1958 until 1994, could have appeared in The New Yorker just as easily as in Field & Stream.

  Patrick F. McManus, who now writes the back-page column for Outdoor Life, would rather get a belly laugh than a chuckle. He is the man to see for broad humor. The world he created featured himself as a blundering preteen kid and a regular cast of characters with names such as Rancid Crabtree and Retch Sweeney. It was a spiritual throwback to the 1950s sitcoms where people laughed and no one really got hurt.

  Bill Heavey taps into a third type of comedy. It is the variety in which you can see yourself and laugh, or wince, or even cry. Bill is an everyman who may be the most inept sportsman ever to grace the magazine’s pages. On the other hand, he may simply be the most honest. He mines the very failures we all encounter but that most of us take pains to conceal. In short, his boneheaded mistakes are our boneheaded mistakes. When applied to hunting and fishing, which are largely based on competence, dexterity, and skill, these mistakes are amplified, and the consequences are often severe. If, for example, Bill tells you that he spilled scalding coffee in his crotch while driving to his tree stand before first light, you can bet he has the burns to prove it and will show them to you given half a chance.

  This idea—that enthusiasm trumps skill—is something of a revolutionary concept in outdoor magazines. Before Heavey, outdoor wri
ters were sunburned Eagle Scout types who were seemingly born with rod and gun in hand and were always successful at their pursuits. They could survive for weeks with nothing but some matches and a box of fishing hooks. Heavey, on the other hand, came to hunting in his late thirties, largely as a way to expand what he could write about. He is neither sunburned nor an Eagle Scout, but he does have the maniacal zeal of the late convert. In recent years he has become obsessed with whitetail deer, which have consistently proven themselves higher on the evolutionary scale than he is.

  Unlike say, Ted Trueblood, the famous Field & Stream writer who spent his days in the glorious mountains of southwestern Idaho, Heavey lives in the suburbs of Washington, D.C. He hunts for shed deer antlers in strips of woods loud with the hum of the Beltway, and he fishes for largemouth bass in the Potomac as police boats comb the water for terrorists. It is not a romantic outdoor life, at least not in the conventional sense. Bill works his hunting and fishing schedule around the duties of a modern dad: mowing the lawn; paying the bills; and ferrying his daughter Emma to school, the dentist, play dates, and toy stores. At the same time, he tries to introduce her to the world he loves: learning to stalk by sneaking up on a neighbor’s mechanical Christmas reindeer, fishing a suburban lake for bluegills, and imitating the calls of doves in the backyard. In other words, he lives like most of us, and perhaps that is why his pieces are so resonant. For him, being at large in the woods for even a few hours is a spiritual journey, and the fact that the enterprise is doomed to failure more often than not is almost incidental. While he may not be in the accelerated class, skills-wise, Heavey has the heart of a true hunter. He knows that the animal is a necessary actor, but that the experience of hunting is the real trophy.

  For the past several years, Bill and I have carried on a war of words in the pages of Field & Stream, never missing a chance to exchange insults. But since I am saying nice things (or what I think are nice things) about Heavey, and since this will never happen again, I should point out that he has also written some of the most heart-wrenching stories I’ve ever read. I don’t know of any writer who can hit from both sides of the plate as well as he. One reader wrote in suggesting a Kleenex warning appear next to any of his stories in which the transition from humor to pathos is especially quick. But this would be like warning the audience when the Road Runner is about to lead Wile E. Coyote under a boulder that will fall on his head. It would ruin all the fun.

  Invariably, when I introduce myself as an editor of Field & Stream, people do not ask about what I do or how I came to be at the magazine. They ask what Heavey is really like. The answer: He is an extremely well read and intelligent individual who marches not just to the beat of a different drummer, but to the beat of a whole different drum and bugle corps. I find him entertaining to talk to but am leery of being around him because he tends to attract misfortune. Spending time outdoors (or indoors, for that matter) with Heavey is like standing in an open field in a thunderstorm with a graphite rod in your hand. It’s not a question of whether the lightning is going to strike but when.

  In closing, I urge you to buy this book. If you have it handy you can pick it up and have a laugh anytime you want. It can also be used as a doorstop, or as emergency fire-starting material. For no other reason, buy it to support an endangered species, a writer who sees himself and the world he lives in for what they are and can still manage to smile. In short, Bill needs the money. He certainly can’t feed himself on what he brings home from the woods.

  —David E. Petzal

  Introduction

  In my defense, I am not responsible for the half-truths, exaggerations, and outright lies in this book of fishing and hunting tales. I blame my parents, who routinely packed me off to summer camp starting at the age of 10 simply because I had begun to dismantle the house with a Phillips head screwdriver. It was at these rural juvenile holding facilities, first in New Hampshire, then in North Carolina, that I discovered the pleasures of watching a red-and-white bobber. I’ve lost count of the hours I spent daydreaming about the huge fish with my name on its side that would cause the bobber to vanish.

  In time, the other boys took pity on me, informing me that the bobber was only truly effective when cast into the water above a baited hook. (I had been staring at it and my fishing rod as they rested in the bunkhouse rafter above my bed.) At this point things got really interesting. I discovered that I loved fishing in water even more than fishing in air. The idea that a boy as inept and awkward as me could be transformed into a hero at any moment had immense appeal. It never happened, of course. But the habit of failure got into my blood, and I kept at it.

  One day many years later, I sent off a story I had written about fishing for smallmouths in the rivers around my stomping grounds in Maryland and Virginia to the offices of Field & Stream magazine in New York. It was not long before a series of misunderstandings led to my fabrications regularly appearing in print.

  Emboldened by success, I decided at the tender age of 35 to try hunting. This, I reasoned, would give me material to lie about during the months when it was too cold to lie about fishing. To my surprise—and to the horror of my parents, who happily ate beef, chicken, fish, pork, squab, lamb, and veal but thought it was reprehensible that anyone would actually kill an innocent animal—I discovered in hunting the same obsessive-compulsive satisfactions that I had found in fishing.

  The world of outdoor writing is populated by distressingly competent people who can match the hatch, recognize a staging area, and predict where a bass or a buck will be found as easily as I hook a bush on a back cast. But hunting and fishing are far too important to be left to the capable alone. This is a book for the rest of us: those with more enthusiasm than competence. The best memories cannot be preserved by taxidermy. If you have ever pulled your lure out of the mouth of a big fish as it was about to chomp down, missed a deer at 14 yards, or had a turkey peer curiously around the wrong side of the tree you were sitting against to see how you produced the sound of a crow choking on a fish bone, you are in the right place. I count you as a brother and true outdoorsman.

  In closing, I throw myself upon the mercy of the court and ask that if I am to be incarcerated, I be allowed access to a red-and-white bobber. Even if it’s unattached to a hook and line.

  I

  STALKING IN SLIPPERS: THE NOVICE YEARS

  The Distance to Trouble

  Maybe taking my new laser rangefinder to my nephew’s wedding wasn’t the best idea I ever had, but bow season was coming up fast. As all bowhunters know, those long summer hours on the practice range mean zip when the moment comes and the deer you sighted at 32 yards turns out to have been standing just 17 yards from your tree. Frankly, judging distances is an area in which Stevie Wonder and I are about equally skilled. Oh, I know the basic “tricks of the trade”: If you look through your peep and see individual hairs, the deer is quite close. If you can see the whole deer and a fair amount of the real estate surrounding it, the deer is not close.

  Other than that, I’m lost. I figured I needed advanced help, the kind that only $350 buys you. By the time I ordered the laser rangefinder, I had convinced myself that it was as necessary to my continued survival as oxygen, water, or Fletch-Tite.

  It did not disappoint. Arriving the morning we were due to fly to Indianapolis for the wedding, the Bushnell Yardage Pro Compact 600 lay seductively wrapped in tissue paper and a black neoprene carrying case. I picked it up and started fiddling. It had simultaneous multiple target acquisition capability like an AWACS plane; reflective, rain, and zip-thru laser modes for all-weather capability; an LCD gauge showing distances up to 600 yards with plus-or-minus 1-yard accuracy; and a 4X perma-focus sighting system with a tiny box in the middle of the crosshairs that looked like something off a smart bomb. I was smitten. I stashed it in my carry-on.

  The lady at the X-ray machine was suspicious. “Why you got a camera with three eyes on it?” she asked. I explained that you look through one lens, while the others send out
a laser beam, which— But at the words “laser beam,” she cut me off as if I’d said “pipe bomb.” She immediately waved over a large gentleman wearing an even larger security blazer. “Tony,” she called loudly, pointing at me.

  Tony ran his wand over me to see if I’d managed to arm myself in the 15 seconds since passing through the metal detector. Then he wiped my new toy with a pad that detects explosives residue. Then he held the rangefinder up to his own eye. “See, you push that button, and it tells you how far away stuff is,” I explained nervously. I was afraid that maybe rangefinders fit into some new category of things you couldn’t bring into airports. Tony aimed it down the long corridor and hit the button. “Hey,” he said. “It’s 78 yards to the men’s room sign. Cool.” He smiled and handed it back to me.

  Whoever was driving the bride to the church got lost. We sat in a stifling hot Methodist Quonset hut with zero ventilation, three crying babies, and pews built to remind the sitter that earthly existence is not meant to be fun. Numb with boredom and sweating heavily, I slipped the rangefinder out of my pocket and focused on the organist. I would have bet he was a good 30 yards off, but the LCD read 19. My arrow would have whizzed 2 feet over his head and stuck in the big pipe behind him. Someone tapped me on the shoulder. It was my wife’s sister’s mother-in-law. “Would you mind taking a picture of little Ashley and me?” she smiled.

  “Happy to,” I said. I aimed and pushed the button.

  “My, that camera’s quiet.”

  “New model,” I explained.

  The jig was finally up at the reception. I was once again overestimating distances—the buffet table that I guessed at 41 yards was a mere 27—when one of my younger cousins came up behind me. “That thing isn’t a camera,” Luke, 14, said triumphantly. I felt if anybody could appreciate my new toy, it would be a kid, so I took him into my confidence and showed him how it worked.

  He began sending infrared beams all over the room. Then suddenly he burst out laughing. “Check it out, dude. Aunt Laura’s waist is 46 yards away, but her butt’s only 45 yards!”